Apologies and Blessings

It occurred to me after I posted yesterday that I probably shouldn't let myself blog when I am so upset. I apologize to all of you who would rather not hear me complain about everything. I would also like to apologize to those of you who are inclined to worry about me a lot when I post discouraging things like that. Sorry. Sometimes I forget that what I post there is all you will see of me for a while, and you can't tell that I don't feel entirely wracked with misery all the time. I still feel a lot of the same things that I felt yesterday, but it is not as intense. And I have receiving assurance that these feelings are normal. Also, I GOT TO TALK TO MY FAMILY YESTERDAY!!!!! It was awesome.

Yesterday afternoon when I was feeling down, I remembered how this past semester when I would be upset about things, Wolfie always told me to make a list of blessings in my life. I started to do that yesterday, and it did help me feel better. I could only think of 11 things to put on my list of things that are good about Spain, but that's a start, right?

1) The Estufa under the table: Awesome for when we come in from the cold. I think we need one in our kitchen at home.

2) Walking everywhere: I like walking. I've especially enjoyed walking places by myself recently. It feels like good exercise, and I've enjoyed seeing all the sights. It is beautiful here.

3) Crusty bread: Everyday for lunch and supper we have that same crusty bread. Ah, que bueno!

4) Hot chocolate: Another delicious thing...every morning for breakfast.

5) Making my own breakfast: The past couple days I have had to be at school early so Carmen leaves stuff out so I can make my own toast and hot chocolate. I enjoy being the only one up in the house and eating a meal with a newspaper instead of the television.

6) Erin: I could not have asked for a better roomie. We are so much like and can definitely encourage each other. We pray together often. And we even wear the same size pants!

7) Sarah: Sarah is another friend I am getting to know. She is from a suburb of Chicago and goes to Cornerstone. We have several classes together, and this afternoon we are going together to get our Spanish library cards!

8) Dictionaries: Buying those dictionaries seriously cheered me up. That's a good life tip...whenever you are sad, buy a dictionary.

9) No freezing coldness/ice: I've been looking at the weather at Taylor, and all I see is snow, snow, snow. I am not very sad to be away from the blizzards and the icy sidewalks of death.

10) No dry skin: Since it isn't so cold, my hands are not all cracked and bleeding. (Well, they still bleed, but that's normal! Good thing I always have bandaids!) However, I have still been finding lots of opportunities to wear my happy mittens! :)

11) My sweet hot pink slippers: I guess I could wear these in the States too, but I bought these hot pink slippers specifically for Spain, and I love wearing them in the house. They aren't as cute as my monkey slippers, but they are fun.

So you see, things aren't all bad here. I'm still terrified. 4 months still seems somewhat like an endless prison sentence. But I'm not mad at Jesus anymore. And I am going to make it. There are a lot of things to look forward too. Tonight we are going ice skating! And tomorrow is a school trip to Cordoba to see a mosque. Saturday is a Skype date with Lauren and Wolfie (Ah! CAN'T WAIT!) And Sunday is a Skype date with my family. Erin and I are talking about going out to watch the Super Bowl in the middle of the night, but we shall see. I love you all. Thanks so much for your prayers!

A venting post to solicit your sympathy

A couple days ago I was doing my devotions, and I happened across this verse in I Corinthians. It is approximately 7:17 in the Message: "And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else, where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there."

That verse stuck out to me. I suppose it was supposed to be comforting. But it wasn't really. It just kind of made me frustrated...maybe even a little mad at God. (Disclaimer: This post is probably going to be kind of angsty and all of the things I say aren't necessarily true. I just need to vent.) Anyway, I know this isn't true, but I kind of feel like God just dropped me off here, and I'm not really sure where He went. I know that He is here. I know that He is good. But right now the only thing in the whole world that I want is to come home. Every morning when I wake up I pray "Jesus, please don't make me stay here." But I know that I shouldn't pray that because that is a prayer that He won't answer. I have to stay here. I should be praying for peace. But that is hard. I wish I could trust Him more.

This morning in Cuentos (short stories) we were talking about the passage of time, and how it goes so fast that sometimes we don't even notice. I know in my head that this is true. I know that in the grand scheme of things, 4 months isn't that long. And I know that this semester will probably fly, and in the end I'll probably be sad to leave. But right now I feel kind of entitled to feel so alone and confused. I've been crying a lot. I just want to come home.

I'm sorry, everyone. I suppose it looks like I'm just posting this to gain your sympathy. And maybe that's true. I miss you so much. Today is the third day of classes, and I guess they are going okay, but often I find myself fighting tears in class. I'm not comfortable here, and it hurts my brain to pay attention for so long. I ended up dropping the advanced advanced grammar class and enrolled in regular advanced grammar instead which feels much better. But since Taylor won't give me credit for that class, I also had to enroll in another class (history of Spanish art). So now I have 4. I don't know what to do. I still might drop grammar all together. I am so confused, and I wish someone could tell me what to do.

I long to talk to people from home. Emails have been lovely (of course, maybe you shouldn't email me because getting emails always makes me cry...then again, if you never emailed, I'd probably cry even harder), but I haven't talked to anyone in real time yet. Right now a girl is skyping her dad right next to me, and I am so jealous. I long to talk to my family and can't wait to have that opportunity this weekend. But I guess I have to remember that even talking to them won't fix everything. Only Jesus can be my comfort. Oh, why can't I trust Him?

Yesterday I had a major breakdown, and Erin was a wonderful comfort. We went out to the grocery store and bought tissues and cookies. Then we went to the bookstore and bought dictionaries. I bought a new Spanish/English dictionary and also a straight up Spanish one. The professors really encourage us always think in Spanish...not to be constantly translating in our heads. I feel like the Spanish dictionary has already been helpful. The dictionaries helped cheer me up (I do love dictionaries!) and also doing homework made me feel better. I haven't yet really found a good place to study. When Sarah and I went to the library the other day, there were soooo many people there. Last night Erin and I studied in my room.

Sigh. I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I should say, but I can't think of anything. I'm just sad and tired right now.

Primer dia de clases

Well, I was all prepared to write a fairly encouraging post to let you all know that I had a pretty good weekend and am starting to feel a bit more peace. But, alas, upon arriving at school, my computer would not connect to the school's wireless (thankfully it is connected now!) so I got very frustrated. Then I got on a school computer to check my email and such and was so overwhelmed by the emails and facebook messages and other well-wishings that I began to cry. I am suddenly quite discouraged. I miss you all so much, and all I want right now is to come home.

But honestly, it was a pretty good weekend. The people at school said that the first weekend is always the hardest so hopefully they are right. They provided us with a list of sites to find for a photo scavenger hunt. Erin and I teamed up with our new friends Michelle and Sarah and spent most of Saturday and Sunday exploring the city. It truly is a beautiful city. I can hardly believe that the things I am seeing are real. There are so many beautiful buildings and little tiny streets. Saturday we went to some gorgeous gardens and the narrow streets of Santa Cruz. We were so thankful for the scavenger hunt because it allowed us to see so much more of the city than we would have otherwise. Last night we got slightly lost in a very dark part of the city, but thanks to our trusty map (courtesy of la oficina de turismo) we were eventually able to find our way back. I was a little scared during that time. I never really felt like I was in danger...but it was disconcerting to not know where we were. Honestly, the city feels very safe though. And we are starting to recognize a lot of landmarks. I can find my way to a lot of useful places now (the cathedral, the Chino-a dollar store type place, the school, the grocery store, the post office, etc.) It is nice to feel like I kind of know my way around.

Yesterday the four of us decided to go to church together. We had a list of Protestant churches and the buses we should take to them so we thought we knew what we were doing. We checked a map to find our stop and then hopped on a bus. Apparently, the stop had a different name than we were expecting because somehow we never found our stop. We ended up riding the bus for over an hour until we ended up right back where we had started. I really enjoyed riding the bus though, and now we feel like if we did it again we'd be a bit more knowledgable about how it is done. We think we will ask someone at school how to find the church.

Since we didn't go to church we went to a cafe for coffee and pastries and had our own little time of sharing Bible verses and such together. It was a really good thing to do. I am thankful for the friends that I am making here and for the opportunity to share Jesus together. He is here, and He is real, and I just need to keep remembering that.

Today is the first day of classes, and I am terrified. I have already had my first class (Cuentos=Short Stories). I think that one won't be too hard. However, my next class is Advanced Grammar, and I am sure that I am NOT ready for that. Lastly I have History and Civilation of Spain which should also be okay. I am sure that it will be really good for me to have a routine. And honestly, I always seem to feel better about life when I feel productive and have studying to do. But right now it seems so scary and overwhelming. I don't know if I can do this. One thing I am really looking forward to is studying in the public library! We discovered it during our explorations this weekend, but it wasn't open so I can't wait to explore it! Hopefully that will happen this afternoon! Yay! I love libraries! Another thing that I always look forward to is siesta! I think the Spaniards got things right when they built nap time into their days!

Hmmm...what else would you like to know? Oh, I almost forgot...food! Meals are always a surprise, and Erin and I are so intrigued by what we find! Yesterday we had paella for lunch. I believe it could probably be classified as the epitome of Spanish cusine. I loved it!!!! It was all yellow and was made of lots of rice and seafood (shrimp, squid, mussels, and other small shellfish). I love eating adventurously, and it was so yummy. Last night then we had some kind of awesome spinach and garbanzo bean stuff with our favorite kind of fried chicken. It was a good food day. Actually, I haven't yet encountered anything I don't like...except maybe those french fries! My favorite fruit here is something called a caqui (I had to look that up). It looks like a tomato, but is very sweet. Oh...I just looked it up in English and apparently it is the same thing as a persimmon. Huh...who knew?

So, plan for the rest of the day: class until 2:25, home for lunch, siesta!, devotions/other reading, venture out to explore the library and buy stamps, do homework, supper around 9, miscellaneous nothing/talking with Erin, bed. We've been going to bed fairly early which is nice. Perhaps I'll still do that when I come back to Taylor? Well, maybe not. But neither one of us are drinkers or partyers like many of the others in our group so it is good to just hang out in the house at night.

Ah, I feel like I should say more, but I need to go to class soon. Oh, I miss you all. So desperately much. I am not miserable here, but I want so badly to come home. I love you all.

Estoy Aquí

Well, here I am. I am here. This does not feel real at all. Everything is so overwhelming. I am tired and scared out of my mind, and I feel so far away from everyone at home. I keep waiting to wake up. Honestly, right now 4 months seems to be only a few days short of eternity. I want to come home.

However, I don't want to make it sound like I am miserable and everything is horrible here because it surely isn't. Jesus is blessing me tremendously. The biggest blessing thus far is my roommate Erin. She has such a heart for Jesus, and we got to pray together on the first night we met. She is so sweet, and her strong faith is such an encouragement. She actually reminds me a lot of Jennica (oh sweet roommate, I miss you sooo much!). She is also good at giving goodnight hugs (though I miss yours, dearest Lauren). My Spanish is better than hers which is a bit scary because I am rapidly learning that my Spanish is even less adequate than I thought it was. In fact, I don't actually know any Spanish. Well, I guess that's not true. But I am feeling overwhelmed right now.

We live in an apartment with a Senora (Carmen) and a little dog named Boli (we think). It is very strange to be living in some else's house, and we are still working to figure out what is expected of us. Erin and I aren't actually rommmates. We each have our own room which is not a bad thing, though we also wouldn't mind sharing. We eat our meals with Carmen (toast for breakfast, flunch around 2, and supper around 9). The television is always on...I don't know if I've seen it turned off at all yet. The dog is very small and very calm and mostly well behaved. Carmen talks to her all the time, and we are amused. Sojmething else that really amuses us is the "estufa" under the table. There is some sort of space heater under the table and so Carmen is constantly pplacing the tablecloth (a long fleece blanket) on her lap. We have started to do it too because the warmth is very nice. It is not very cold outside (though a jacket is very nice to have), but inside the house hace mucho frio. The floors are absolutely frigid so we always wear slippers or shoes. But anyway...the estufa is especially funny because every lunch and dinner we have crusty bread, but last night she put the bread on the estufa under the table to make it warm and toasty. it was yummy but also funny. The food has been pretty good thus far...there is always so much. Way more meat than I am used to, but last night we had salad which was heavenly! Lots of fried things...even french fries on the first day. (I hadn't eaten french fries in years, but I couldn't say no. I didn't think that french fries would be a new thing I'd try in Spain!)

These past couple days have been so very busy and so overwhelming. yesterday we had orientation at a hotel. It was so much information, but it also made me feel a bit more like I knew what was going on. In teh afternoon we had a tour of Sevilla, but I felt so confused because it was all in Spanish. I didn't really understand at all. With my horrible sense of direction I think it might take me forever to learn my way around. Sevilla is surely much bigger than Berne or Upland! It is a beautfiul city, and though it is not home, I suppsoe I am looking forward to exploring. I just registered for classes, and I am muy nerviosa about starting on Monday, but maybe it will be good too to begin to have a routine.

I feel very inferior to the other advanced students in my Spanish abilities. But already I feel like I am learning more vocabulary anyway. My grammar and verb tenses are horrible. It takes a lot of concentration to understand all the time, and when I let my mind wander I get lost. However, I find myself thinking in Spanish sometimes already. And last night random Spanish words were slipping into my journal. Lo sient if that happens on the blog. (Okay...I did that one on purpose, but I'm sure it may acccidentally happen for real sometimes.)

I am very nervous about everything right now. I hate feeling like I am not a part of your lives at home. I miss you all so much that it hurts. Every morning I wake up and think "I don't want to be here." But as I begin to start my day, things get a bit better. Please pray for me that I will begin to feel more confient in my Spanish and that I will feel better about things. I am so scared. But Erin keeps reminding me that Jesus is here with us. She is good for me. When I went to bed around midnight last night, I was thinking about it being only 5 or 6 for all of you. I was thinking of my lovely First South girls only just coming back to the wing from dinner and of my family sitting together for supper and of everyone going about their normal lives...without me. Not that I don't want you all to do things. I want you to have normal lives. But I want to be a part of them too. Sigh. But, it is good to know that Jesus is here. And Erin is here. And Badger and Alice are here. And it will be okay.

(I had to retype this because it didn't post the first time. Sorry for any typos, I'm going so fast. Here's hoping it works the second time!)

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

So soon...

So it appears that this day that was never supposed to come is actually here. In only a little more than 24 hours I will be in Spain. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The plan is to leave Berne around 7 Tuesday morning. My plane leaves the Chicago airport at 4:45 (Chicago time). The flight should be around 8 hours so we will land in Madrid at 7:45 am (Spain time). Then we have a 3 hour layover before a 1 hour flight to Sevilla. When we arrive in Sevilla around noon, my body will still be under the impression that it is 6 in the morning. It's going to be rather a crazy day.

This still doesn't feel real...at all. Today has been quite hectic, especially our packing frenzy tonight. (My Mom is my hero...she is soooo good at packing! I'm kind of hoping she'll be able to make the trip over to Spain to help me pack before I come home too.) I feel so unprepared, like I've hardly even thought about this at all. I've been so busy being overwhelmed by the packing that I didn't have time to be overwhelmed about everything else. So that comes now I guess. That is probably a very good sign that I should just go to bed. But I'm not sure I'm going to be able to sleep at all tonight...

Yesterday I did come to the sudden realization that this might be fun. I mean, if I really think about it, this could be a really awesome experience. I'm going to live in another country for 4 months. Wow. I think I am kind of excited about this and about meeting new people and about all of the cultural stuff I'll get to experience. I just need to give myself permission to enjoy this and try really hard to be engaged in my surroundings.

So many of you have promised to pray for me, and I want you to know that I appreciate that so very much. It is a great comfort and encouragment to have all of you behind me. Please keep praying. Another comfort is the knowledge that God is in fact going with me to Spain. Tomorrow (today?) I will be making this huge leap, diving off this huge cliff. But my Father God is waiting for me at the bottom. And He will help me swim. Though I feel like He's been taking a lot of things away from me lately, I also know that He is faithful, He is good, and He will not let me go.

I love you all, and the next time I write, I will be in Spain! This is unreal...

The Impossibility of One Week

It is the weirdest feeling in the world to think about how to spend your last week in the country. It is absolutely mind-bending to think about how in just one week from today I will be fleeing the continent. If possible, I think I am in an even greater state of denial than I was a week ago. Spain in one week? Impossible!

I experienced my first round of impossible goodbyes this weekend, and it was just as horrible as I imagined. But at the same time, it was a glorious weekend at Taylor, and I am so so so soooo very thankful that I got the chance to spend a last bit of time with my First South girlies and other friends there. Now I am home again, and I am preparing for this final crazy week of packing and saying final goodbyes. This is unreal.

I am realizing more and more how important it is going to be for me to be really intentional about this trip. I'll need to be intentional about enjoying myself, intentional about making friends, intentional about being open and willing to learn. If I am not, it will be way too easy to spend the semester being miserable. But that would be a waste of my time and a waste of time for all the people who have loved me and helped me get this far. And as a friend said to me, "Since you can't be here once you're there, you might as well enjoy being there." I guess maybe I'm writing this here so that you can all help keep me accountable. You can help remind me how awesome this experience is and all that I'm going to gain from it.

At this exact moment in time, I am scared out of my mind, and I don't want to go. Recent life happenings have made it even harder for me to want to leave Taylor. Yet I know that Spain is where I am supposed to spend next semester, and I know that if I didn't go, I would spend the rest of my life wishing I had.

Two Weeks Notice

I'm told that exactly two weeks from today, I will be leaving the country. I will supposedly be hopping on an airplane in Chicago, and landing hours later in this place called Spain where I will purportedly spend the next four months of my life. I guess maybe I'm in denial. It doesn't seem real at all. Lots of people have told me that is normal though. They say that it won't really sink in until I'm actually there so I shouldn't stress about it too much now. I guess that makes sense.

My emotions about this trip change about every ten seconds. Honestly, I am at least a little bit excited about it. As of now I still have no idea where I'll be living or who I'll live with. I don't even know for sure what classes I'll be taking. But those things don't bother me too much since it's not like I can do anything about that from here anyway. I am excited about the prospect of traveling to a new continent, of living in a different country, and of experiencing Spanish/European culture.

But I'm really scared too. I'd say that the scariest thing right now is the thought of saying goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I hate change...I always have. It's been so weird (sad, lonely, etc.) this week to think of everyone taking J-term classes at Taylor without me. I'm going to visit this weekend, but I dread the goodbyes that will come at the end of the visit. And after that, I'll have a week to say goodbye to my family and friends here. I've never been so far away from all the people I know and love for so long. I'm afraid of what that will be like. I'm afraid of missing people. I'm also afraid of packing, afraid of having to do everything in Spanish, afraid of a lot of things. And I think that these next two weeks are going to go a lot faster than I think they are...