A venting post to solicit your sympathy

A couple days ago I was doing my devotions, and I happened across this verse in I Corinthians. It is approximately 7:17 in the Message: "And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else, where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there."

That verse stuck out to me. I suppose it was supposed to be comforting. But it wasn't really. It just kind of made me frustrated...maybe even a little mad at God. (Disclaimer: This post is probably going to be kind of angsty and all of the things I say aren't necessarily true. I just need to vent.) Anyway, I know this isn't true, but I kind of feel like God just dropped me off here, and I'm not really sure where He went. I know that He is here. I know that He is good. But right now the only thing in the whole world that I want is to come home. Every morning when I wake up I pray "Jesus, please don't make me stay here." But I know that I shouldn't pray that because that is a prayer that He won't answer. I have to stay here. I should be praying for peace. But that is hard. I wish I could trust Him more.

This morning in Cuentos (short stories) we were talking about the passage of time, and how it goes so fast that sometimes we don't even notice. I know in my head that this is true. I know that in the grand scheme of things, 4 months isn't that long. And I know that this semester will probably fly, and in the end I'll probably be sad to leave. But right now I feel kind of entitled to feel so alone and confused. I've been crying a lot. I just want to come home.

I'm sorry, everyone. I suppose it looks like I'm just posting this to gain your sympathy. And maybe that's true. I miss you so much. Today is the third day of classes, and I guess they are going okay, but often I find myself fighting tears in class. I'm not comfortable here, and it hurts my brain to pay attention for so long. I ended up dropping the advanced advanced grammar class and enrolled in regular advanced grammar instead which feels much better. But since Taylor won't give me credit for that class, I also had to enroll in another class (history of Spanish art). So now I have 4. I don't know what to do. I still might drop grammar all together. I am so confused, and I wish someone could tell me what to do.

I long to talk to people from home. Emails have been lovely (of course, maybe you shouldn't email me because getting emails always makes me cry...then again, if you never emailed, I'd probably cry even harder), but I haven't talked to anyone in real time yet. Right now a girl is skyping her dad right next to me, and I am so jealous. I long to talk to my family and can't wait to have that opportunity this weekend. But I guess I have to remember that even talking to them won't fix everything. Only Jesus can be my comfort. Oh, why can't I trust Him?

Yesterday I had a major breakdown, and Erin was a wonderful comfort. We went out to the grocery store and bought tissues and cookies. Then we went to the bookstore and bought dictionaries. I bought a new Spanish/English dictionary and also a straight up Spanish one. The professors really encourage us always think in Spanish...not to be constantly translating in our heads. I feel like the Spanish dictionary has already been helpful. The dictionaries helped cheer me up (I do love dictionaries!) and also doing homework made me feel better. I haven't yet really found a good place to study. When Sarah and I went to the library the other day, there were soooo many people there. Last night Erin and I studied in my room.

Sigh. I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I should say, but I can't think of anything. I'm just sad and tired right now.